In order not to cause disappointment in others, a person agrees on what he does not want to do. He goes to the country to plant potatoes with his parents, buys trinkets, because he cannot refuse the seller, or for an hour he listens to the story of the mobile operator about the new tariff.
When someone asks for something, they can pressure us morally, hiding the request behind the request. Therefore, itās easier for us to say āyesā and not to go into conflict. There is nothing wrong with āyesā, but itās bad if we say āyesā and we want to say ānoā.
To be able to correctly say ānoā is necessary in order to defend oneās interests. Experts told how to do this with the boss, colleagues, relatives and friends, but first weāll figure out the reasons.
Why is it difficult to learn to say no?
The reasons may be different. Often this is due to beliefs that were formed in childhood: parents did not teach the child to feel and defend their borders..
1. For fear of not conforming to the image
A man is afraid that failure will change his attitude. He will no longer be kind in the eyes of others.
2. Due to the need to explain
If you did not think of the reason for the refusal in advance, you have to improvise or lie. Imagine that you are a photographer and get an unexpected call from a friend who asks to shoot his grandmotherās anniversary. It will be difficult to navigate and refuse immediately.
3. Due to obligations
It seems that if you donāt go with your friends on a Friday party, you will definitely have to meet them next week..
4. Due to negative emotions
āNoā ā causes an unpleasant reaction: the parent refuses the child to buy a toy, and he arranges hourly tantrum on the street. Not everyone is ready to face it..
5. Due to the boomerang effect
A person is afraid that ānoā will surely return in the form of someone elseās refusal. Today you will not lend a friend, and tomorrow he will not want to help you.
How to say no to the boss
āI know who can do this betterā
This rejection method will help when the boss asks you to do work that you are not sure about. Shift the focus on a colleague under the pretext of what you think about the quality of work.
āNow it will not work / I will not have timeā
Phrases are suitable for urgent tasks, for example, to make a report in the evening. So you do not say no directly, but postpone the execution of the request. Say that you cannot do it until the evening, but tomorrow in the morning the work will be ready.
āMy job will sufferā
If you are given something in the load (a new project or corporate organization), say that your main responsibilities will suffer. You will show yourself to be an employee who is important to fully devote to one thing.
āThe right way to solve difficult situations with the boss is through dialogueā
So says Anastasia Chernyakova, head of the group for selecting and adapting the personnel of the āConscienceā installment card: āBefore you invite the leader to a conversation, analyze the problem itself. Are they systematically asking you to stay late, or did it happen because you incorrectly distributed tasks during the day and missed something important.
If the boundaries are really violated with constant requests like ācomplete the report for Tamara, she goes on vacationā or āstay after work for an hour, finish the projectā, then explain to the manager that you are not coping with such a volume of tasks and ask for help to prioritize. Discuss everything āashoreā, talk and fix the agreement ā.
How to say no to colleagues at work
āI canāt do this, but there are a couple of tips.ā
If a colleague asks for help, but you donāt have time, tell him about how to make the project better: where to put emphasis and what to look for.
āI need time to thinkā
This is a way to buy time, which is recommended by Vadim Hauptmann, founder of e-Champs: āI never refuse right away. I stand a pause, ask questions while maintaining neutral emotions. This gives me the opportunity to think and lands the asker if he was sure that he would hear āyesā. Now ānoā will not be a big surprise for him ā.
āI understand you well, but, unfortunately, I have other plansā
Show that you are entering a personās position. For example, a colleague asks to finish the report, because he needs to sit with the child. Let him speak up and express support along with rejection: sometimes this is more important than help.
The āmirror techniqueā is also suitable here, when you repeat the replica of the interlocutor. Vadim Hauptman advises to do it this way: āI listen carefully and get into a question, and then I clarify the request aloud with a neutral voice:ā Do you want to change the work schedule and come to the office at 11 instead of 10? ā. Having heard his request from other lips, a person realizes that his question may look different from a different angle ā.
How to say no to relatives
āI also wanted to ask about it / I can help if you help meā
When someone refers to strong employment and is trying to put extra household chores on you, say that you also do not have time and you would like help too.
āI can only help partiallyā
If the request is not averted, look for compromises. Professional coach Victoria Lubyanskaya explains this with an example of such a dialogue:
Mum: āSon, May holidays are coming. Itās time to plant potatoes. Iām waiting for you on May 1 in the country and no excuses are accepted! ā
A son: āMum. I love you very much and am happy to help everyone I can. But in May itās not in my power, I have plans. I can not cancel them. Please tell me what if we donāt plant potatoes this year, and I will bring you already grown and ready?
Mum: āWell, how? I want mine, home. To grow under my control! ā
A son: āWell, then I will look for a person who will help you. Iāll check everything. Iāll find a reliable worker who will dig up a garden and plant potatoes the way you want! ā.
Mum: āBut only to be normal, and when will you arrive?ā
A son: āIāll find the best. And I will come to you on the 15th. ā
āI donāt understand this at all / I donāt know how to do thisā
If there are no objective reasons, use subjective ones. Suppose you are asked to help with the repair. Honestly, you do not distinguish between overlapping wallpaper gluing from joint to joint.
āDo not go into conflict: do not blame, do not seek theā extreme, ādo not make excuses, do not ask for forgiveness. Tell us on what terms you are ready to help, and if you donāt know how to do it, just tell me about it ā- advises Victoria Lubyanskaya.
How to say no to friends
āI would love to, but I have a wife / husband / childrenā
Your name is on an event that seems boring, but do not want to seem boring? Use the principle of a lightning rod: let friends be offended not by your tastes, but by external circumstances that do not allow you to spend time with them.
āI think you will do it better than me.ā
An example of a hidden refusal with a compliment to the other person. Letās say a former classmate asks to arrange a meeting of graduates, and you hint that he will do it much better.
āNo, no and NOā
This technique is called a āhackneyed recordā. Repeat the laconic no several times. Do not pay attention to friends trying to change your mind. Refuse to go to the club even āfor two hoursā and even if they pay for you. The interlocutor lacks three ānoā to stop insisting.
Remember, to be able to say no, you need:
- Do not make excuses, but confidently state your position.
- Give advice or tips on how to resolve the issue differently.
- Take a break to think.
- Express an understanding of the problem and delve into the reasons for the request.
- You canāt say no by making fun of and underestimating the request or denying it publicly..
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Learning to say no while still maintaining a positive image can be challenging. How can one effectively reject requests without hurting relationships or feeling guilty? What strategies can be employed to stay assertive yet compassionate, and make sure our boundaries are respected? Share your insights and advice on navigating this delicate balance of saying no while remaining a good person.
Learning to say no while maintaining a positive image can be achieved by following a few strategies. Firstly, it is important to communicate your decision clearly and honestly, explaining your reasons without being defensive. Being assertive yet compassionate involves showing empathy and understanding towards the other personās needs while firmly stating your own limitations or priorities. Practicing active listening and offering alternative solutions can also help in maintaining the relationship. Boundaries should be communicated in a respectful manner, emphasizing the need for self-care and the importance of maintaining a healthy balance. Remember, saying no doesnāt make you a bad person ā it is an essential part of self-care and personal growth.
Learning to say no while maintaining a positive image requires clear communication, empathy, and setting boundaries. By explaining your decision honestly, showing empathy, and offering alternatives, you can assertively communicate your limitations or priorities. It is important to practice active listening and emphasize the need for self-care and balance in relationships. Saying no does not make you a bad person; it is necessary for self-care and personal growth. By following these strategies, you can say no confidently while preserving your relationships and reputation.